Signs of Spring

The Goodwill bin was recently moved from it's location near Sunflower Market to some other place in the universe. I am used to dumping my old running shoes in there. I have almost a dozen shoes ready to go to Goodwill or somewhere, but they have been sitting in my car for a couple of months because I keep forgetting to find a new location to take them to.

It's been cold all winter and I park in the parking garage at work, which I am sure is the coldest place in Colorado, colder than Gunnison, maybe the coldest place in the universe. But yesterday I went up to Horsetooth Mountain Park to meet Katy for Rock Repeats, and I got a surprise when I opened the door to my car on the warm, sunny morning when I stopped to refill my bottle.

I really need to find a place to unload those shoes. Dennis says they moved the bin because of me and my shoes, I was contaminating it and they had to call in the Hazmat team to decontaminate the Goodwill bin.

I found some cilantro growing in the garden yesterday. And the bulbs in the yard are coming up with green tops.





Maybe I have spring fever, too. I was sweating at night, all week, and not sleeping very well. Damn hormones. Last week was a rough one for me, I've been burning the candle at both ends still trying to clear out all the clutter and detail from my life so I can just concentrate on training.

Basically it's just finishing up with taxes, framing a pile of artwork, miscellaneous commitments, life details and obligations. Nothing bad, but it all takes time, energy, and patience. Patience is what I seem to be missing these days.



Things got delayed with my artwork due to a mistake in the framing shipment and now it will be next week before I can get my artwork in to Tortilla Marissa's, but this coming week should be better than last week. I've been feeling very Towanda-like, hot flashy, hormonal, and on edge. I need to be able to focus on my training and get in the right frame of mind, and I'm starting to resent all the little distractions. Maybe just a few more days and I can do that.

I got my abbreviated workouts in this week, got the basics in, but not many miles. I guess that's still okay at this point. The best workout of the week was yesterday's three Rock Repeats with Katy. That was fun, I miss running with her. Now my legs are sore, but not as sore as after last week's first two Rock Repeats. I'll take that as a positive sign. I must be making progress.

Another one or two Rock Repeat workouts and I will have bashed my quads sufficiently so I won't get sore anymore. That will be awesome. It's hard to get the legs into the hill workouts after not doing hills since October!

And I'm down to nine toenails again this week, after keeping a full set for nearly three months.

And I did 35 minutes in the sauna the other day without my heart rate going up much at all. I think I have permanently altered my body's thermostat. Or maybe it's because my body can't tell the difference between a hot flash and the sauna. Maybe I've been heat training all this time without even trying. Who needs a sauna when you can do it naturally?

Global Warming?

NEWS FLASH:

Scientists have determined that the global warming phenomenon is caused by all the baby boomers who have finally reached menopause.

11 miles Thursday, then 20 miles with Catharine Friday on the bike path, 3 1/2 hours and change. Stopped once for a dry bra and shirt/jacket change, plus drinks and a few shot blocks. Ran the whole way. It was 18 degrees on our way out but the sun went behind the clouds and it felt cooler by the end of the run. Or maybe we were just tired and depleted.

I have been feeling a lot better the past week, each week is an improvement over the last. I started lifting weights again last week and as much as I don't like doing it, I know it will help me rebuild the upper body strength I need to get me through the long ultras again.

I'm working on rebuilding my health in all areas of my life, since August I've been in a hole and I have now crawled out of it, trying to find my way up here on the surface. I lost my way for a while there. Now I'm out of the vortex that was taking me down and I'm taking care of my needs in the present, which is allowing me to focus ahead so I can make the necessary changes to restore my well-being.

I needed to get back to running because it is my guide and my compass. There are a couple of major changes in the works in the near future. I have to fix the parts that are broken so I can fully pursue what I want. I've had some disappointment and frustration recently that have caused quite a bit of stress and I am ready to move forward and beyond.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results. When you have to constantly deal with insanity as the status quo, it can drive you insane.

All of this plus the stress of a sick family member, the difficulty sleeping, fatigue as a result of all this stress that throws my concentration off, along with the hormonal changes I'm going through. It's been a difficult time, but in a way it has been a gift to rearange priorities and get myself to realize I need to address things that are detrimental to my health and focus clearly on what's important.

We got a foot of snow and I took the Buffaloes out snowshoeing last Sunday. They loved it. Dennis and I are planning a trip to the Keys in May, we will relax on the beach after the race. It was 15 below earlier this week but in the coming week the temperature should hit the 50s. In Colorado it's always a surprise, from week to week.

The Fort Collins Running Club Tortoise & Hare 8K got changed to a 4K on the 6th, the morning of the Avogadro's breakfast. It was absolutely horrendous running conditions, blowing snow, a fierce wind chill, and frozen temperatures. I could feel my face freezing the whole time running in the east direction. About 20 poeple braved the cold, though, which was a nice turnout.





We've been cooking indoors more now that the weather is cold, and the girls have been enjoying the opportunity to participate, using their expertise in mashed potato tasting.


































Crank up the heat and stay warm!

The Bright Side of Insomnia

This morning we woke up to this...

which expedited my Keys 100 entry into the mailbox!

The past week or two things have started to improve around here. Between working part-time now, a fun Thanksgiving day with running friends, and finally getting my butt out the door for a 24.5 mile run on Sunday after Thanksgiving, I am starting to feel like there is hope again.

The one thing that has not changed, and has gotten worse, is my insomnia. I love sleep, I love to sleep, I worship sleep. A little help for my low mood, brain fog, and irritability in the form of an SSRI over the past 2 weeks has been a huge help but it has made my sleep even worse. I figure if I am going to be sleep deprived, at least I am not feeling hopeless on top of it.

I spoke with one of the pulmonologists I work with who specializes in sleep disorders. He told me that he sees lots of women around my age in his office, and really hormones are the most effective thing. I am not a sleeping pill enthusiast and that would only be a quick fix. Since hormones will not be an option for me, I will have to work around it some other way.

He gave me some ideas for improving my sleep, like not going to bed so early, not lying in bed awake if I can't go back to sleep right away, and so on. I am considering getting a set of running clothes ready and going out with the Buffaloes for a middle of the night run if all else fails.

After my 24 1/2 mile run I felt like I am going to be okay to train for a 100 in the spring. I felt great, ran steady the whole way, very little walking at all. I ran up on the hills at Horsetooth and up and down in the foothills trails, and to and from home on the bike path.

I feel like I passed through the portal and I am on the other side of something, I can see daylight again. If I can improve on my sleep that would make things look so much brighter. But I will do what I have to do, I'll work with the body I have, and I'll make it work. Maybe I can finally get the motivation to work out with weights again, in the middle of the night. Maybe I'll write a few books, train for night ultras, clean out my closet, organize my life. The possibilities are endless...

Not Just LIKE An Ultra, This IS One...

And the gun must have gone off while I was having brain fog. This is my brain on wacked-out hormones. And this is how my brain feels during the day lately, most days.













This is Alene, emotions on speakerphone, these days feeling like she's losing her mind, her faculties, and her sanity. This is Alene who should buy stock in Kleenex. This is Alene approaching menopause, squarely in the thick of what's called perimenopause and the worst part of it.

Menopause is an ultra.

This blog is supposed to be about running, and running ultras. Women who read this will "get it" immediately. So I'm going to say a fast little apology to the male readers of this blog, just for a second, a quick whisper of "sorry" but guys, I'm not all that sorry, because it's relevant for you, too, if you have any women in your lives who are important to you.

NOW THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT I'M REALLY NOT SORRY BECAUSE THIS IS A BIG DEAL TO ME!

AND YES I'M YELLING NOW BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT!

Lately readers of this blog have noticed I've strayed from the topic of running. It's been difficult terrain for me for over a year, and worse the past two months. I've been struggling not only in running but all areas of my life and there's a reason.

I'm struggling to remember things. I have to write things down right away or they're gone. I can't multitask worth crap. I can't seem to process complex information coming at me in any form. I tried to sign up online for a class the other day and I was looking at the instructions on the screen, I stared at it, I knew it was in English and laid out in steps, 1,2,3,4, etc. but my mind could not make sense of it.

I'm overemotional about everything. And everything makes me cry. EVERYTHING. On the other side of that, I occasionally feel rage. Like I'm going to tear into something, scratch someone's eyes out, scream until my lungs blow out. Dennis made a joke about hiding all the knives in the house.

I feel transparent, like everyone can see me in all my emotions, naked and exposed to the world.

All of my buttons are visible and able to be pushed by the slightest breeze. And anyone in my life who intentionally tries to push my buttons gets a SUPERCHARGED response, usually preceded and followed by crying. And yes, there is at least one willing and eager button pusher out there.

My endocrinologist in Arizona warned me long ago that when I did hit perimenopause I would struggle. She said most women with thyroid problems have a harder time with the hormonal shifts of menopause. And that thyroid could be harder to manage during that time. Before I was diagnosed with Hashimotos one of the first things they thought was that it was early menopause.

While originally trying to get my thyroid regulated I can remember having horrible fatigue and brain fog, depression, mood swings, and feeling like I had someone else's brain. My original high-functioning, sharp version was temporarily dumbed down to something that couldn't even read an ordinary newspaper or magazine article, because by the time got to the last sentence of a paragraph, I couldn't remember what the first sentence said. I put off entering nursing school for several years until my thyroid was regulated with medication because I felt I couldn't learn. Fortunately once I got things back on track I was fine.

I've been shifting into this new gear for some time now, probably a couple of years, but there weren't any definite or consistent signs. Feeling brain fogged and having a hard time concentrating, I've also experienced with thyroid. Not sleeping well, that happens occasionally. Last fall I went through a few months of sleep problems and night sweats but they went away after I ran Across the Years. Strangely I slept better during that race and in the months afterward than I have in a while.

But at the end of this summer I started getting night sweats with a vengeance. Now it's almost every night. And then I got my first daytime hot flash a few weeks ago. And my menstrual cycle is all but impossible to predict. The best way to predict it? Sign up for a race. A big one, one that I train really hard for.

Time doesn't wait for you to feel better. You can't call into work because you didn't get enough sleep. You could once or twice, but you can't do that when it's happening every day. I work in a female-dominated profession and many of them don't even get it. Most of them are not there yet. Most of them will probably not be working at the bedside by the time they hit this phase of their lives.

One of the nurses I work with who is older than me has a magnet on her locker that says "I'm on my last nerve and you're getting on it!"

She gets it.

Another coworker said to me that she thinks I'm depressed. Well I'm not. It can get depressing when you feel like crap all the time from sleep deprivation and I do still (thankfully) have the presence of mind to understand that my brain's neurotransmitters are probably all screwed up due to sleep deprivation and low estrogen and all the other things going on in my body.

But I know what depression feels like and this is not it. It's not that I have lost my enthusiasm or interest, it's not that I want to crawl into a hole in the ground and never come out. I am enjoying the company of my friends more than ever, things in my life are basically good, and I'm not in despair. I know there's a light at the end of this tunnel, there's a finish line, but it's a long way off.

I have the support of my husband. He's been so patient and understanding and his sense of humor gets me through the rough moments at home. The girls are perceptive enough to know when mom is crying or upset and they stare at me until I notice, then they come over and give me hugs, without my having to ask!

The point is, it's an ultra. If you're having a rough time, you have to at least consciously make a plan. Get from one aid station to the next, don't focus on anything else. Distract yourself. Be one with the pain.

This is a process. It's a long run, and there is a finish line. I will come out on the other side and I'll be better. While I'm in it, I need to keep moving forward, even though I'm uncertain, charting new terrain, and sometimes afraid. The finish line is out there, out of sight, but it is there. I keep moving toward it even if every step I take is such a small fraction of the distance I still need to cover. I know that many small steps make up a long ultra and will carry me there.

There aren't any quick fixes, and you can't drop out. I can try different things but there are no miracle cures and finding things that work won't happen overnight. People expect it to happen like that, but it doesn't. And there are few remedies other than hormone replacement therapy that have scientific evidence that they work to back them up. Black Cohosh, Estroven, Melatonin, Red Clover, say the alphabet, there are "cures" from A to Z and I could spend a ton of money and time trying them all. I will try a few. With my sister's history of breast cancer, I'm not going the HRT route.

Instead I am working on a plan. It's sketchy so far, imperfect, but it's evolving.

First, one day at a time. That's all I can do.

A few things I can look forward to: I'm looking forward to getting back on track with running and I just ordered a pair of snowshoes given our early winter dump of a foot of snow. I am enthusiastic about training for ultras again in 2010 and doing miles with my running friends. I signed up for the Old Pueblo 50 in Arizona in March.

Get back on a regular running and training schedule with a goal. No high mileage or performance goals here. Just get out and do it. Make myself go out every day I'm not at work doing a 12 hour shift, even if I don't feel like it.

Cut out unnecessary sources of stress and fatigue. Set limits with the button-pushers and energy-suckers.

Work on ways to relax and remove distracting thoughts like work and other stressors from my mind whenever I'm going to sleep or need to go back to sleep.

Take some supplements like calcium, vitamins, and omega 3 and take the time to cook healthy meals for us. I used to love to cook. Now I will have more time to do that. Try a few of the so-called natural remedies, one at a time, see if they help.

Work on creative pursuits, writing and painting, and other fun stuff that comes up. For example, I met a woman on the flight back from Sacramento who is a spoken word poet from Chicago. She reminded me, among other things, of how I used to dabble in writing poetry and a few of my poems were ideal for spoken word. I'll have to go back and see if any sparks can fly. To dramatize the words and express my emotions creatively in a safe place, might be good therapy for those really bad days.

Read some new books to open my mind to new and different ideas to get the ideas circulating through my brain.

Get together with friends on a regular basis for social purposes and to talk, other than running. A number of my friends are going through this too. We can help each other.

Until next time...

Sharpei'd Part 2: Words of Wisdom

This morning I went to the sauna, looking at this for 30-plus minutes was a good, mindless way to start what could be a long week. I have to be at work for at least 4, probably 5 of the next 5 days.

I did go for a bike ride yesterday, narrowly avoiding a tornado and hailstorm. This morning I went for another bike ride, down toward Loveland, and no funnel clouds on the horizon, but as I got home, there were some dark-looking clouds settling in for more afternoon fun. If we have any leaves left on the trees after the next hailstorm, we'll be lucky.

I was in touch with my friend Keith (a.k.a.Towanda Frates) this morning, she would have loved our conversation on aging after the marathon the other day. She offered these words of wisdom, which I am going to quote:

"Speaking of profound thoughts on aging, it occurs to me that everytime I say something about getting old to someone who is 10 yrs. older than I, they always say,"You're just a baby!" In the sense that I'm still young and they should know since they have something to compare it to. In conclusion, always remember that in 10 yrs. you're gonna wish you felt like you do now, which apparently is fresh as a daisy and spring chicken-like."
- Towanda Frates

Precious Sleep

It's time to hibernate. I want to curl up on the futon with Iris and take naps.

We got about 8 inches of snow the other day. I was off work and the girls helped me shovel the sidewalks and driveway, and then we went for a run in the snow. I wouldn't be able to take the girls out all winter on the icy streets without Yak Trax. They are like tire chains for your running shoes.



I went to see my doctor two weeks ago. She is a PA, and she's awesome. Very knowledgeable about womens' health and supportive of me taking an active role in guiding my health care. I've known her for a long time as I used to see her when I lived in Ft. Collins before. I told her what's been going on with me. Then she told me the bad news: menopause symptoms can last 10 years!

I've been having a terrible time sleeping. One night I'll be up in the middle of the night, then I'll sleep the first half of the night and be awake the second half, and the next night I won't be able to fall asleep until late. Sunday night I called in sick to work the next day because I wanted to spare myself the torture of toughing it out through a 12 hour shift when I'm a zombie. Except I didn't realize that the next night was going to be worse!

No one ever tells you enough about this in advance. I guess there's no sense in forewarning anyone that their life might be hell for the next 10 years or so. Suddenly one night you wake up drenched in sweat and it goes downhill from there.

I wish I could be one of those women who skate through menopause without noticing. I feel like I'm working the night shift again, sweating and hot flashing my way through. Everyone has a different idea of what to do: black cohosh, something called estroven, hormones, anti-depressants, valerian root, melatonin, benadryl, tylenol p.m., wine, beer, and shots.


I don't like to drink alcohol because then I don't sleep well. I've tried benadryl and it doesn't work. Hormones, antidepressants, and beta blockers are some of the things I could try. I am not too excited about any of them. Beta blockers wouldn't be good because they would reduce my tolerance to exercise, being an athlete I need to be able to raise my heart rate. They would help relieve some of the anxiety about not sleeping, though.

Hormones are out because of my family history of breast cancer. And anti-depressants, well I went ahead and tried 10 mg of Prozac a day and I lasted 2 weeks on it. I was forgetting everything, and it made me even more foggy than I was before and I can't be doing that when I'm at work. I didn't like the way it made me feel so I bagged it, reluctantly, because I was so hopeful that it would take the edge off. Actually I feel clearer headed now that I'm off it. It didn't help me sleep or make me any less emotional.

I've been using the hot tub a lot and it seems to help put me to sleep, but there's still the problem of waking up in the middle of the night. I guess I could always go back outside to the hot tub at 1 am.

Last night Dennis & I were both up. Maybe men go through this too. I think I slept until midnight, but Dennis said it was 10:30. Whatever time it was, once I woke up, I never fell back to sleep at all, all night. I didn't feel good about calling off work again, fortunately we were staffed well enough at work that I was able to go home early. I feel like I've been working nights. Five hours of sleep in two days doesn't cut it.

The running club T&H 10K was last Sunday followed by breakfast at Avo's and the Tortoise & Hare awards and an informal club social/meeting. I woke up at 7:30 and couldn't drag myself out of bed fast enough to make it to Martinez Park by 8 am to start the race, so I showed up at Avo's for the breakfast. I went running later. I did manage a 2 hour run Saturday which went well. I was sore afterwards from the uneven surfaces and Yak Trax. I got a massage from Cindy afterwards and then I was able to relax enough to take a nap.

I have work to do before I go to Arizona. Oil change, new tires, and replace the windshield, which has a crack in it. Planning and packing, a list of things to take, buy, pack, and I've been working on my list of meditations for the run.

Next week is the Holiday Lights run for the running club followed by the potluck at Art & Allison's house. They are so generous to invite everyone over for this event again. I am going to be giving a slide show and talk about my run at Badwater this past summer.

I guess I should think about what to bring to the potluck. Last week I made veggie quesadillas, something we used to eat all the time, that I haven't made in a long time.

For Sale

I worked four of the last five days and I am exhausted today. It's been busy, and I ran my butt off at work all weekend. I know I would feel so much better if I could just sleep through the night!

I am so tired of waking up sweating and throwing off the covers and then freezing and not being able to go back to sleep for hours. It really sucks on the days when you have to get up for work and can't sleep in. I feel like putting an ad in the paper:



On the bright side, I have 3 days off and the weather is supposed to be awesome, in the 70s tomorrow. I hope to have energy for a good long run, maybe 4 hours on trails. Iris is smiling, she likes the warm weather.

Isabelle isn't smiling right now, she's in trouble for fence fighting with the neighbor's dogs. What else is there to do on a nice day?

Today I ran trails for an hour at the ELC, Prospect Ponds and Riverbend Ponds. The geese were out on the water. I wore shorts again. After my run, I went to get labs drawn for my thyroid, and I was dehydrated! They made a pincushion out of me and almost didn't get enough blood in the little tube!


Now I look like a drug addict, I have so many holes in my arms. I need to remember to drink a lot before I go to get poked next time! I think this happened last time too! That's what 4 busy days of work do to me, I don't have time to drink enough. Or pee. Or eat. I like my job, but when nurses are busy, our job does not allow us to be human.

Sort of puts you in the mood to fence fight...